Day 27 Venting

My FGG bootcamp journal says to vent and it just so happens I have some venting to do and no one to listen or hear it. So I, again, turn to you guys. 

More and more lately, acquaintances are making comments about my weight. The most common being that I better be careful or I might just disappear. 

And then my mother has relentlessly started in on me, comments about how I am too skinny, about how I need to be careful. Then when I can't help but feel defensive, she says that I'm angry all the time because I'm too skinny. That I'm obsessed. That I might be developing obsessive compulsive disorder. 

This coming from my mom has really caused resentment and made me start to feel bad about my hard work. She has been overweight and obese my entire life. She's never had a healthy relationship with food as she struggles with depression and uses food to placate her emotionally. 

I've finally managed to wiggle free of that upbringing, I want to be healthy and fit. I understand strangers have no idea of the amount of time and effort I put in every single day to guaranteeing that I get the nutrition I need as well as the minutes that tick by that I work to make my muscles and heart strong. But my mom? She does know. She understands how important it is to me. So for her to say those hurtful comments (that she doesn't even see as hurtful) really has gotten to me today. I look in the mirror and am so proud but I also have a long road ahead to where I want to be. If I already am lacking support at this point in my journey, where will I turn weeks from now? 

Everyone who has a support system raves about how important and great it is, and I'm glad for them. I really am. But the ones of us that don't have support, what do we do? Where do we go when we need a hug or a pat on the back or a listening ear?

I can do nothing but turn here. I am SO thankful I have all of you wonderful women to uplift me and inspire me. Some that I truly feel have become friends, not just fit sisters. 

I'm done venting now, but I needed someone to spill that and get it off of me and away from me. 

Now, I will brush my shoulders off and dig even deeper. Because this is truly for no one but ME. I will not let anyone else's insecurities deter MY journey. I have come so very far and I refuse to do nothing but carry on. 1/3 of the way through bootcamp and I feel amazing. I can't wait to see myself at the end. 

Xoxoxoxoxo 

Another Chapter Finished

My very LAST perseverance post – time seriously flies. I literally picked the perfect word for my first month of Fit Girl’s Guide Bootcamp. I don’t doubt that I would have slacked off by now if not for all the new tips and tools I learned along the way. I now know I am 100% capable of digging deep even when things get stressful or emotional.

I don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward. I just have to commit to the moving forward. I have to remember my grit, my tenacity and my ability to shine my light even in the dark. (miss you, Dumbledore)

 

I will continue to dwell on and remember these lessons because I will need to persevere for all of the things I want to achieve, even some of the words I have chosen for the rest of the year.

 

For February, I have decided to go with PASSION. Mostly for obvious reasons (V-DAY) and because I think it will be important for me to tackle early on in the year. I’m a little (honestly, A LOT) afraid for this word as I know it is going to be uncomfortable and open up a lot of doors that I slammed on purpose. I am going to try to wiggle my way out and around it, but February will be a month for really digging my toes in the sand and standing up tall. I hope you will be reading along or joining me on my journey!

 

I leave perseverance in the best way I know how, with some awesome quotes.

 

“If I had to select one quality, one personal characteristic that I regard as being most highly correlated with success, whatever the field, I would pick the trait of persistence. Determination. The will to endure to the end, to get knocked down seventy times and get up off the floor saying. “Here comes number seventy-one!” ~ Richard M. Devos

 

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

― Maya Angelou

Winding Down

Just a couple days left for me to reflect on perseverance and what I have learned this month!

We have probably all been there. We have set our minds to get healthy, and we start slacking off. Our motivation ebbs, we lack perseverance.

 

People ask me how I stay so motivated and honestly, I think it’s understanding that motivation doesn’t equal peppy. You don’t always have to be super jazzed about your work out, you just have to do it. You just have to show up. You have to try. That’s how I stay motivated. I go in knowing deep down I will feel better afterwards, and that I just have to show up. Once I am there and going through the motions, I start to put more into the workout and I end up doing a lot more than just ‘showing up’. Try it. See if it works for you.

 

Other tips? It’s fine to take your foot off the gas, just don’t put it on the brake. Take some time to yourself, spread out your workouts. Have a few more snacks. It’s more than okay – just know that you will go full speed ahead once you feel ready again.

Mix it up, don’t let yourself feel bored by fitness! There are ENDLESS options… some new favorites for me have been the Nike Training Club app (so many different workouts!) and doing yoga from YouTube videos! Periscope is also a fun platform for new classes in the comfort of your home. HAVE FUN. Your motivation will grow.

Write things down. Make sure your goals are specific and easily accessible. Set your intentions every week, write and/or speak them! If you are a creative person, make a vision board and put it up in your workout space. Do whatever works for you so that your goals are displayed.

Don't Quit Success

I stumbled upon this little poem, not sure who the author is but I love it for this month's theme

"When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

 When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,

 When the funds are low and the debts are high,

 And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

 When care is pressing you down a bit,

 Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.

 

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

 As every one of us sometimes learns,

 And many a failure turns about,

 When he might have won had he stuck it out;

 Don’t give up though the pace seems slow—

You may succeed with another blow.

 

Often the goal is nearer than,

 It seems to a faint and faltering man,

 Often the struggler has given up,

 When he might have captured the victor’s cup,

 And he learned too late when the night slipped down,

 How close he was to the golden crown.

 

Success is failure turned inside out—

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

 And you never can tell how close you are,

 It may be near when it seems so far,

 So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—

It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit."

 

Practice Makes Perfect

When is it the hardest to persevere? Right when you're in the middle of something triggering you to want to quit, of course.


I am a hypochondriac, it ties in with my anxiety. Here is a story of how and when I realized the true scope of my hypochondria:
I was sitting in one of my science classes in University when I noticed my hands were looking blue. I ignored it and tried to focus on the lecture, but as time went on I kept noticing they were looking bluer and bluer. I started to feel the rising panic, my chest started to tighten. I tried rubbing my hands on my jeans to get circulation; my hands got bluer. I went to the bathroom to try to gather myself and make a phone call, because at this point, I was having a panic attack. I called my boyfriend at the time, frantic and crying, begging him to please do something to help me. I washed my hands, the blueness faded. I thought, what in the world? Is there something on my hands?? I tried to take deep breaths and think, and then it dawned on me, I was wearing brand new dark wash jeans. The dye from the jeans had been rubbing off on my hands. I was not losing CIRCULATION, and I just had a panic attack over nothing.
Funny, right? But I cannot distance myself from thinking the worst when it comes to my health and it often ends in panic attacks and tears. Earlier this week, my period came early. Early as in, I still had one pill left in my pack before the week of sugar pills. I felt my palms get sweaty, my mind started racing. I convinced myself that I MUST be pregnant, because I had taken antibiotic earlier in the month, and that must be what the bleeding was. I frantically googled, begged my boyfriend to do something, and eventually resigned to laying in bed crying. My cramps were worse than normal, the bloating seemed worse. Everything suddenly sharpened into focus and I couldn't believe this was happening, what could be wrong? For years my period has run like clockwork, never early, never late. But as I thought about it, when I was super in shape and eating healthy before, my period was a little wonkier. So, maybe this is my normal.


The point of me telling you those stories is that I can either let my hypochondria completely debilitate me, or I can shove the anxiety to the side and PERSEVERE. I had to do that this week, I wanted to lay there in my anxiety and not move until the thing scaring me went away, but I didn't. I kept going through the motions and the anxiety loosened because of it.


The circumstances that will arise when you need perseverance the most will never be easy, but just dig deeper than your fear, anxiety, sadness, whatever your emotional trigger may be and focus on the task at hand. You will feel better once you power through.


XOX

Just keep swimming

I have a tendency to get frustrated when I don’t get something right the first time. Not unusual. However, I let that frustration escalate to resignation more often than not. This is not just in fitness but in life in general. . When it comes to my fitness journey, it was especially true.

 

I am doing the 12 week Fit Girl’s Bootcamp and in the midst of Week 3. I didn’t want to start, I didn’t think I was ready. The only reason I DID start was because of other amazing women encouraging me and letting me know it would be ok even if I wasn’t “ready”. Turns out, I was totally ready. Yes, I get frustrated sometimes, but I am learning to banish those thoughts. WHO CARES if I am not Olympic level with my glider tucks? I have learned to have fun and therefore learned to persevere in the meantime. Just because I don’t like something initially, just because I don’t feel like I am ‘good enough’ at it… I am so glad I was started to keep going.  I have been able to literally feel my body get stronger each week. I am trying to pay close enough to how hard things feel and that has helped me, in turn, notice how much easier they have become. It’s actually really fun and it’s the part that makes the perseverance worth it.

 

We can’t learn perseverance without experiencing some degree of difficulty. It’s not a “fun” skill to try to learn. I am confident that if I wouldn’t have started to speak gently to myself, love myself and show self-compassion then I wouldn’t have started the boot camp, much less been learning so much about my capacity to persevere.

 

I encourage you to identify what triggers you to want to give up. Is it frustration over not getting things ‘right’ or fear of being ridiculed as a beginner? Or is does it stem from an entirely different set of circumstances?

Delayed Gratification

“I do think that we have somehow, in our pursuit of comfort and happiness, shifted a lot of value to fun, fast and easy. But it’s counterfeit value. The amount of energy it takes to live a life where you never fall down is so much. We’re enamored of grit, tenacity, courage, and perseverance, I think because they’re so rare. They’re truth.” -Brene Brown

 

Delayed gratification seems to be a big part of persevering. That is, just because it’s easy and available right here right now, doesn’t mean it’s in line with your goals. You want to be healthy so you start trying out diet pills because you heard they will make you thin faster! But, there are chemicals and side effects that do more harm than help. You want to be financially stable but you really NEED that bouquet from EcoFlower (cough cough, me)

As a product of my generation, I do struggle with delayed versus instant gratification. I also lack patience in general so that combined is tough. For me, I guess, it’s about balancing. Yes, you should go on vacation even though you want to save money. What’s the point of working hard if you don’t get to do something relaxing for ONE week out of the year? What’s the point of working hard for your goal body if you never taste the fancy cheesecake or eat the fried macaroni? The problem a lot of people run in to is when the going gets tough we instantly seize up and seek for comfort through those tough times. We think, I need to feel better NOW. We forget to delay gratification, we forget that we are tenacious, courageous and able to persevere. But, it’s necessary. When bad things happen that throw us into emotional vulnerability, we need to program ourselves to just keep going forward. Feel those feelings. Express them. Love yourself through it, do not shove them aside for instant comfort (food, laziness, alcohol, whatever)

It’s easy, but you will be denying your authentic self the truth that it deserves.