Emotional Triggers

I am all too familiar with events, moments, feelings... that trigger something inside of me that make me want to cover them up. I don't want to feel them, so I look to numb them. It can be challenging to identify what exactly our triggers are, but this process of getting to know and understand them can help us heal, and learn how to cope better in response.

I have had many triggered responses to avoiding pain. Anger, blame, shutting down, becoming needy, striving for perfection. I also turned to addiction in the form of sex, alcohol and food. The problem with refusing to deal with our feelings is that it only compounds the root issue. We stack problems on top of our problems. We can decide to wrestle our old demons, to set ourselves free. We can decide to live positively, to let go of our bad habits for new, productive ones. We can finally understand that we must lean into our feelings with courage. We can recite the mantra, the only way out is through, a million times...

But those triggers, they don't die so easily. They bubble up, in moments of weakness, in unexpected ways on the worst of days. Life just happens. We can make a series of choices that put us in a bad spot or we can be totally caught off guard. Sometimes it's small choices in small moments that begin to create a snowball effect that can get away from us before we even have a chance to comprehend what we have put into motion.  

My point is, you can grow into the person you were meant to be, the person you WANT to be. But those demons, they're powerful and lie wake in the shadows. It's when we start noticing old patterns, old behaviors, thoughts. . It's then that we need to force an out of body experience, gain perspective. Are you about to make choices that would make yourself proud? Choices that take you closer to or further away from the life you want to be living? 

When something makes us feel shitty, we can absolutely turn tail and slither back into the comfort of our old skin. You can call all the men you haven't spoken to in years, you can drink your way to the bottom of the bottle, you can scream at people that love you, you can find yourself so high you're level with the clouds, you can consume 5,000 calories in one sitting. But is that the person you know you were born to be? 

Listen to me...every day isn't going to be a goddamn rainbow. Shit is going to fly in this life. Right then, you get a choice - to show up or shut down. To be the person you deserve to be or the person who you went through hell and high water to overcome. It's okay to have sex (with strangers) it's okay to drink and eat (in excess) but it's not okay to use those things to numb whatever it is you don't want to experience. You're better than that. No...you are. Maybe you don't think so right now, maybe you feel like you aren't worth anything. Maybe you just want to give up and give in. Maybe you already have. 

One truth that I hold onto is this, 'when we numb the dark we also numb the light.' Choose to feel. It's not always pretty and it's certainly not always fun but it's on those days that we choose to show up that makes us a little braver each time. 

Identify your triggers. See them unfolding, speak your feelings. Check in with yourself with compassion. What do you (really) need? It's probably not the things you viscerally yearn for. If you need support, if you need alone time, if you need to extract yourself from a situation or person, do that. Put yourself first. 

Repeat to yourself as often as needed: I love you. I'll always love you. Be strong. Remember you don't have to be anyone you don't want to be. Breathe in. Breathe out.