Give Space for Imperfection

I can tell the moon is in Taurus, friends. Words are just pouring from me.

It has been my experience that the Universe doesn’t usually scream or yell – it’s approach is far more subtle. We can’t hear the lessons unless we can learn to turn down the frequency of our ever-present bullshit.

I know many of you read my post yesterday about self-sabotage and repeating old patterns. Some of you admitted you were all too familiar.

But I have had a realization today as well. What if the question isn’t, “how can I avoid this?” or “how did I get back here?” what if the question is, can you let yourself be human? Can you forgive yourself? Can you allow yourself to be honest, raw, shining in all of your imperfection? 

I set my intention for 2017 to be freeing and oh, the Universe has heard my call. I feel my soul cracking open ya’ll. I almost missed the lesson, I almost forgot that knowledge is power. I almost didn’t show up for class.

I was finding myself experiencing self-judgment.  Self-flagellation. I wasn’t allowing myself space to love, accept support and honor myself exactly as I am, where I am.

Our journey will not move in a straight-forward direction. 

So then, the Universe brings us back to the knowledge that all things must balance. We have to find the line between allowing space for our humanity and knowing when we are being self-destructive.

We have to let go of outcomes. We have to accept that what will be, will be. Allow life to happen and to teach you, grow you, mold you.

Maybe it’s when we stop trying to outrun our demons that our most important growth takes place. When we stop trying to kill a part of who we are, when we feed our soul – the whole thing. When we give nod to our darkness, perhaps that is what makes way for our light to shine endlessly and brilliantly.

Emotional Triggers

I am all too familiar with events, moments, feelings... that trigger something inside of me that make me want to cover them up. I don't want to feel them, so I look to numb them. It can be challenging to identify what exactly our triggers are, but this process of getting to know and understand them can help us heal, and learn how to cope better in response.

I have had many triggered responses to avoiding pain. Anger, blame, shutting down, becoming needy, striving for perfection. I also turned to addiction in the form of sex, alcohol and food. The problem with refusing to deal with our feelings is that it only compounds the root issue. We stack problems on top of our problems. We can decide to wrestle our old demons, to set ourselves free. We can decide to live positively, to let go of our bad habits for new, productive ones. We can finally understand that we must lean into our feelings with courage. We can recite the mantra, the only way out is through, a million times...

But those triggers, they don't die so easily. They bubble up, in moments of weakness, in unexpected ways on the worst of days. Life just happens. We can make a series of choices that put us in a bad spot or we can be totally caught off guard. Sometimes it's small choices in small moments that begin to create a snowball effect that can get away from us before we even have a chance to comprehend what we have put into motion.  

My point is, you can grow into the person you were meant to be, the person you WANT to be. But those demons, they're powerful and lie wake in the shadows. It's when we start noticing old patterns, old behaviors, thoughts. . It's then that we need to force an out of body experience, gain perspective. Are you about to make choices that would make yourself proud? Choices that take you closer to or further away from the life you want to be living? 

When something makes us feel shitty, we can absolutely turn tail and slither back into the comfort of our old skin. You can call all the men you haven't spoken to in years, you can drink your way to the bottom of the bottle, you can scream at people that love you, you can find yourself so high you're level with the clouds, you can consume 5,000 calories in one sitting. But is that the person you know you were born to be? 

Listen to me...every day isn't going to be a goddamn rainbow. Shit is going to fly in this life. Right then, you get a choice - to show up or shut down. To be the person you deserve to be or the person who you went through hell and high water to overcome. It's okay to have sex (with strangers) it's okay to drink and eat (in excess) but it's not okay to use those things to numb whatever it is you don't want to experience. You're better than that. No...you are. Maybe you don't think so right now, maybe you feel like you aren't worth anything. Maybe you just want to give up and give in. Maybe you already have. 

One truth that I hold onto is this, 'when we numb the dark we also numb the light.' Choose to feel. It's not always pretty and it's certainly not always fun but it's on those days that we choose to show up that makes us a little braver each time. 

Identify your triggers. See them unfolding, speak your feelings. Check in with yourself with compassion. What do you (really) need? It's probably not the things you viscerally yearn for. If you need support, if you need alone time, if you need to extract yourself from a situation or person, do that. Put yourself first. 

Repeat to yourself as often as needed: I love you. I'll always love you. Be strong. Remember you don't have to be anyone you don't want to be. Breathe in. Breathe out. 

IIFYM

What is a macro?

“Macros” is a term for macronutrients. There are macro- and micronutrients in everything that we eat. When you hear someone say that they are tracking their macros, that means they are tracking how many carbohydrates, fats and proteins they are getting throughout the day. You or someone else will set your macros based on your age, activity level, goals and current body composition in a mathematic equation that spits out your totals for each group. Typically macros will look something like ‘60/40/20’ and that means 60% coming from carbs, 40% coming from protein and 20% coming from fats – and like I said, that number is different for each person as we are all different. Your macros will fluctuate as your body changes. You don’t bother with calories as the fiber content and other factors can effect caloric density and you just focus on the macro count in everything that you consume. This can be tracked easily on apps like My Fitness Pal and always with a food scale.

 

Why did you start in the first place?

Competitive bodybuilders use macro counting to ensure that their body composition is in peak condition on the day that they compete. They “bulk” and gain a lot of muscle and then cut back as competition nears to shed fat and let their muscles pop out. I don’t have a desire to compete but I did have a desire to change my body composition. I was “skinny fat” meaning that I had lost a lot of weight (60 pounds) but still had a higher body fat percentage than I wanted to. Basically, I wasn’t building a lot of muscle. I found that I was undereating for an extended period of time and so my body wasn’t retaining muscle gains (my body was basically eating muscle instead of growing muscle)

 

Did it work?

Yes. I saw drastic changes in my body composition in a positive way. I learned a lot that allowed me to have a healthier relationship with food – I wasn’t afraid to eat more thinking that I would gain weight back. I stopped being weary of certain foods and just saw food as nourishment. I also got a lot out of using the food scale. I was amazed at what a true serving size looked like with some things (like fruit!) and was pleasantly surprised by others (I was always so skimpy with my nut butters and came to realize I wasn’t even using a whole serving)

 

Why did you stop?

I have a tendency towards obsessive behavior. Counting calories and counting macros are both essentially the same thing. They are both diets. You are restricting what you eat. You are placing restrictions on yourself to change something about your body. Now, for some people that is absolutely fine and they have a healthy relationship with food and their body and it is a great addition to their routine. I just found myself overanalyzing my body, not allowing myself to eat things because it didn’t “fit”, etc. It was really, really time consuming. I was spending so much time planning out my meals and making sure everything fit my macros. It just got to be overwhelming and was causing me to have a really obsessive and negative feeling around my fitness and my health. I also hate math, and it is a lot of math.

It also takes the focus away from important micronutrients. A lot of the “IIFYM” community raves about how they can eat cookies, ice cream, cakes and donuts and it totally fits their macros – and it DOES. But what is that doing to their insides? Where are they getting their vitamins and things that make you truly healthy? I was really turned off by that aspect especially as someone who is educated on the health benefits of plant sources and the detriments of pre-packaged foods.

 

Would you recommend trying it?

Yes. If you think you have a healthy relationship with food or that some of the tools from macro tracking could help you for a short time, do it! It is educational. It is a very efficient and effective way to shed body fat (or bulk, depending on your goals) The food scale will definitely help you understand portion if you struggle with that. It’s nice because you can take the tools you learn and continue use even after you stop officially tracking. Once you get an understanding on how it works you can even start setting your own macros. It can also help you realize that one food group or type of food is not BAD. A donut has the same macro value as something healthier etc. so it does teach you that you don’t have to deprive yourself of treats to make progress.

 

What are you doing now?

I am intuitively eating, if you want to label it. But really, it just feels like I am trying to be my healthiest self. I now know how much I need to feel satiated and have a good idea of how many meals I need per day and at what times I get hungry. This is something you learn with experimenting and with time. I eat a whole foods, plant based diet. I eat when I am hungry and I stop when I am full. I am now at a place where I just eat healthy because I enjoy it, I don’t have to obsess about what is about to go into my mouth day in and day out. If I find a recipe on Minimalist Baker or Oh She Glows that sounds really good to me, I make it. I eat it. I ENJOY it. Tracking macros was not fun for me and I just want to let you know that if any part of your life is causing you unhappiness in any way, fix that shit. You do not have to track anything to meet your goals, you can. But you absolutely do not have to. My personal suggestion is always to educate yourself, look into changing your diet to include more whole foods from plant sources. Talk to me. Ask me anything. We are in this together!

 

Are you worried that you won’t be able to meet your goals?

Sometimes. I let doubt creep in especially when I try to compare myself to others or when I start wanting to look like someone else. But I just keep focusing on what makes me happy and challenging myself to be better every day. Right now I am trying to get more comfortable in the weight room at the gym and trying new workout programs at home. One thing that you have to realize and get through your head is that every single body is different. One person may hold their fat in their legs and one person may hold their fat in their stomach and one person may hold their fat in their arms. And each one of those people is probably self-conscious about that and wishing they looked like the person standing next to them.

 

 

If you would be interested in me doing a blog post on how to eat for your goals WITHOUT tracking, let me know! I can share some of my tips and what I have learned along my journey

XO

S E L F

This is one of the hardest topics for me to speak openly about. To be candid, it takes a lot of courage and energy. However, I choose bare my soul so that other women can feel comfortable to do the same. I had a couple of ladies ask me to do a post on the mental aspect of transformation and that is what I am attempting to do. . .

 

Self-love

You have to commit to learning and practicing self-love tools. This is the single most important aspect when it comes to health, nutrition and fitness. (IMO) If you want to be your happiest and healthiest self? You absolutely have to sit in a quiet place and soul search and read books and watch videos and talk to other women about what self-love looks like, and deciding that you are worthy of your own affection and unconditional love. I suggest Brene Brown above all other references as well as Neghar Fanooni (who you can find on Instagram). If your body starts to transform out of a place of disgust or hatred, your mind will not follow the transformation, your mind will still see imperfection.  And even still, if we don’t actively practice our self-love and use our tools to combat shame demons, those self-deprecating thoughts will still brew under the surface. Self-love isn’t just important for what we see on the outside but also how we fuel our bodies. You are allowed to fuel your body. You are allowed to rest and recover. Recovery is a part of training. Maybe you take a week off, maybe you have a few tiny slip ups every day. you can’t get disappointed in yourself or feel shameful of yourself because that will just lead to you having a mentality of “all or nothing” and that is not going to be sustainable. Show yourself some compassion! If you struggle with perfectionism, I think you will find that will start to ease as you practice these tools as well. Take 'perfect' out of your vocabulary and just show up and life your best life.

 

You are not alone

When your body begins to change, you may notice that your mind logically sees the progress but somewhere your brain feels like it’s tricking you. You somehow feel like you are harder on yourself than ever, that you still look the same, that you still have so far to go. You are not alone in this. I don’t know scientifically or psychologically what this phenomenon is or what it’s caused by, but I can say that I have experienced it firsthand. It’s almost like dysmorphia in a way. I have come to the conclusion that it’s because for such a long time we really avoided spending a lot of time looking at ourselves, especially in the mirror. Then we start putting this laser focus on our bodies. We get so caught up in spending time on the scale or in the mirror that we train our eyes and brains to see each flaw and can no longer associate the past from the present. Photos definitely help with this, but I will say too that even in photos it’s hard for me to see progress even when I logically know it’s there. This comes and goes and isn’t always true for me, and it’s hard to explain. I do know that a lot of women struggle with this and I just want you to know you aren’t alone.

It’s easy for me to become consumed by things, it’s in my personality to gobble up every piece of something until I have perfected it. I had to realize that my health cannot be just one of the hobbies I get stuck on temporarily and obsess over and then move on to the next. It’s not easy to reprogram our minds but it can be done. Working with a registered dietician has really helped me in this aspect as I really think I needed someone besides myself and besides eBooks or videos to see my body as a third party and shake me out of that mentality of “oh I look the same” or “not making any progress”. I really do feel that working with her has healed something in me and I am starting to associate health with strength and energy and not thinness and low weight.

 

Mindset, in my experience, is the hardest part of adopting a healthy lifestyle. It gets easier but I still struggle every week. I can now actively practice self-love. I now know my support system and who I can turn to for healing.

 

If you find yourself struggling with this and you can relate to this on any level, let me know. I really think it helps combat those feelings when we reach out and connect.

XO

Baby, let me be your motivaton (note to self)

 

A lot of you were curious as to what keeps me motivated on a day to day basis. How do I stay committed? How have I not ‘fallen off’ in the past year and a half?

 

Here is my biggest and best secret: I am not motivated to eat healthy and work out every day. ‘Falling off’ has different degrees, and you have to get comfortable with the idea that there will be bumps in the road. Embrace the imperfect days because there will be SO many and you can’t let those deter you from your healthiest self.

 

I think, culturally, we have become accustomed to instant gratification, working hard when we feel like it. I choose to set myself to a higher standard. I always try to lift my gaze, I try to play the long game. Yes, I have immediate goals. But my biggest goal? Living a long, healthy and happy life. There is no quick fix there, I just show up every day. Each day brings a new set of circumstances and a new mood. I acknowledge that and I work anyway. It’s never really about motivation, it’s about discipline. It’s about being committed to yourself, to your health. And I also stopped telling myself that every workout had to be according to plan or every workout had to be amazing. They don’t have to leave you in a pool of sweat with sore muscles to count. If you just do your best every day, whatever that means for you. Your best will change day to day AND THAT’S OK. It’s normal, even.

 

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, that you just have to do it. That the hard work is achieved by working hard. If you can get yourself to a place where you show up every day and get in your work out then I promise the feeling of motivation will strike in the midst or even after you have finished. You will think, wow, I didn’t feel like doing that at all but I did it and now I feel awesome and now I know that I AM capable of getting it done even when I didn’t feel like it at the beginning. This is a lesson that will resonate throughout your entire life. We don’t always FEEL like going to work, but when you are the one showing up and getting things done, the right people will notice. You may not FEEL like being open and honest and vulnerable with your significant other, but you will feel connected and your love will flourish as a direct result. Be about that delayed gratification life with a little instant sprinkled in every now and again because #balance.

 

Inspiration can be found on every corner of the internet. You have to decide that you are willing to put in work, that you are willing to put action before emotion. Then, every single day, regardless of the circumstances, you will be ready to put your best foot forward.

 

 

Tips

• Have definitive goals, write them down (don’t just have them in your head) and make both short and long term goals

• Use a reward system if that works for you, yas honey bribe yourself, we all deserve to be treated for hard work

• Stop thinking of it as a list of things you HAVE to do but as a list that you are CHOOSING to do and honestly, that we are privileged to.

• Put action before emotion, don’t wait to feel like it

• Find what works for you in an enjoyable way, make it FUN (don’t be miserable! If you hate running, don’t run. If you get bored easily, switch it up regularly)

• Find your tribe*

 

 

 

 

 

*if you are reading this, it’s probably because you are part of my tribe. Thank you for supporting and uplifting me every day so that I can be my best.

 

The Queen of Morning Routine

A few of you wanted some tips / advice on a morning routine. This is something I can definitely share with you as I went from giving myself just enough time to get out the door in the morning, to giving myself time to get a sweat in, shower, be ready for work and have time to spare.

 

What worked for me?

I started setting my alarm early just one day per work week. You can do anything for ONE day as long as you are committed and disciplined (these lessons are for another day) I found that I much preferred having more time in my mornings and that my mood and energy were both vastly impacted in a positive way on the mornings that I was waking up early. This is not to say that you personally HAVE to get up before work and do your workouts, nothing wrong with the evenings if that is what makes you feel good and what works for you.

I started adding more early morning wake ups over a 4 week period until I was getting up early Monday-Friday. It was just easier on my body to transition more slowly like this.

If you want to wake up earlier, YOU HAVE TO GO TO BED EARLIER. Caps, just to make sure you know I mean it. You still need adequate sleep. I wake up at 4:30 am and I lay down for bed at 8:30 and am asleep around 9. This is really important and why I think a lot of people struggle with waking up early, if you aren’t truly rested then of course you are going to be exhausted.

 

An evolution

My morning routine used to consist of scrolling through my phone for half an hour, stumbling out of bed, pulling on my workout clothes and getting in a workout before getting ready for work. It was all a rush and mostly a blur, but I got in that sweat. Morning workouts were my priority and focus and I didn’t bother with anything more.

Now my morning routine looks something like this…do not scroll through any feeds, pull on workout clothes, oil pull, start my lemon ginger tea, have a glass of cold water, get in my workout, stretch, have a green protein smoothie, skincare, shower and get ready for work, water my plants, listen to a podcast on the way to work.

I added things slowly. Don’t overwhelm yourself. Some mornings if I am feeling really tired or I didn’t sleep well, I take an extra hour to snooze. It should be about honoring your body and doing what’s for it, not punishing it.

 

Body care

I’m just going to touch on these briefly but they are a part of my daily morning routine and very, very important to how I feel throughout the day so I wanted to include them.

1. Skin care- I have never had a naturally clear and even complexion. I have to take care of my skin or it will get angry with me, and quickly. I have found that Tula has a great line of products that are working really well for my sensitive skin. They use probiotic technology in their products which are what can help to protect your skin from environmental stressors like air pollution, allergens, toxins, and UV ray exposure which we experience every day.
2. Oil pulling- yes, it seem hippie dippy, and maybe it is. But it works! Oil pulling is when you take a teaspoon-tablespoon amount of coconut oil and swish it back and forth (pulling it) through your teeth. This is an ancient Ayurvedic practice and I found that it really does work. It basically allows the crud in your mouth to stick to the oils and when you spit it in the trash (NOT DOWN THE SINK) all of that is removed from your mouth. For me, it feels like I have gotten a dental cleaning each morning and I have been able to tell a huge difference in the whitening of my teeth. I also started flossing after oil pulling and before brushing which has helped with my gum health.
3. Gut health- I am super prone to bloating and gas so when I found Organic Digest from The Natural Citizen, I was hoping it would sort me out even if just a little bit. I was so thrilled with the results coupled with starting most mornings with a lemon ginger tea that I have the Organic Digest each morning in either my smoothie or in my oatmeal. If there was only one product I could use for the rest of my life, it would truthfully be this one. I can tell such a difference in the way that I feel. You would be surprised how much your gut health affects your energy and overall mood! If you find yourself feeling bloated and blah more often than not, you should try this! A bag can last you a long time and you can feel free to use the coupon I use for myself FITGIRLK8 at check out. This gets $10 off and like I said, you can use it as much or as sparingly as you find works for you. Yay for no more bloat and blah!

 

I know ya’ll, it’s a lot. But our bodies work so hard to take care of us and preform the best that they can, we truly are worth the time and energy to make sure they can be as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

 

You time

Take 5 (or more) still minutes for yourself to set an intention for your day, to check in with yourself, to practice gratitude, to reflect on how you feel. This could be done by just sitting in stillness, through journaling or even through yoga. This may be something you have to work towards as those first few weeks may just be about getting your feet on the floor and your butt out the bedroom door. But I really encourage some stillness to your morning so you don’t start the day in a rush and then perpetuate that feeling all day long. It may seem like we spend our whole day with ourselves, but do we really? How often do you find time to sit with yourself, no phone, no one else, no noise? Probably not very often. I find that since starting my day mindfully I have become so much more calm, less stressed and just a kinder and more grateful person in general.

 

Tips

• Lay out your workout clothes (or sleep in them) in the bathroom or bedroom floor. If you don’t work out at home and you will be leaving to go to a gym or studio, make sure your bags are packed and ready to go the night before.

• Set multiple alarms in 5 minute increments of one another (I always set one for 4:25, one for 4:30 and one for 4:45 just in case)

• If you find that an early morning routine is making you exhausted and not serving you in a positive way, don’t bother. There is nothing wrong with having a different schedule from someone else. What’s awesome for me may suck for you.

• Put your phone into airplane mode before falling asleep if you struggle with social media addiction, this way you are not bombarding with tempting notifications upon waking up.

• Have a glass of cold water before eating or drinking anything else, you are super dehydrated from not having any water for 8 hours!

 

I hope you will find a morning routine to be as special and beneficial to you as mine is to me. But if you don’t, that’s ok, too!

XO

This is Diet Culture

*I am not a dietician nor a nutritionist. I have no backing of these statements beyond my own experience and google education.

 

I want to talk about undereating.

Undereating? Is this bitch for real? I know, talking about undereating in a world focused on overeating seems unnatural. But is so important and not talked about enough, especially in a community of women geared towards poor relationships with food.

 

What do you mean a POOR relationship with food? I mean someone who overeats because of emotion. I mean someone who obsessively thinks about eating, or skips meals. Someone who yo-yo diets, calorie restricts or feels anxiety of any kind when thinking about eating/food in general.

Okay, so what is your history? For years I yo-yoed in weight, oscillating between calorie restricting diets and binge eating. Eventually I reached my heaviest weight ever because I used food to numb my emotions. Tired? Eat. Angry? Eat. Sad? Definitely eat. Happy? Celebrate with food. Bored? Eat all of the food. I grew up around people who had a disordered relationship with food, so it was one I came by honestly.

How or why did you realize you were undereating? I started a meal plan that put me at about 1200-1300 calories per day. At this time, I was working out little to none at all so I did not feel overly hungry and I was coming off of a diet where I had been gorging myself with food for months and months. It felt good to eat this amount, it allowed me time to detox what I had been putting my body through for so long and it also allowed me to develop cooking habits and portion control. When I started working out a lot more I began to notice I was hungry more often, but ignored it because I did not want to put weight back on, DUH! I would find myself going to bed hungry, waking up hungry. I found  myself obsessing over food, I wouldn’t be able to focus because all I wanted to do was think about when my next meal was. I had so much anxiety over food - not eating too much, making sure I hit my macros, planning my meals a week in advance so I could tweak as needed, meal prepping, eating out in restaurants. My bowel movements became very difficult and painful and were sometimes spaced out days at a time. My sex drive evaporated. My period disappeared (I also stopped taking my birth control for the first time in ten years, so I don’t attribute the lack of period to undereating)  

 

Why are you sharing this now? I’m sharing this now because I want this community to realize how easy it is to go from one extreme to another for some women. Or maybe it’s just me. I don’t want anyone to feel like a slave to their food, I don’t want anyone to feel tired or run down or end up hurting their body in the long term by not getting enough food. Food is nourishment. Carbs are energy. If you are only eating 1200 calories a day, do you really think you are squeezing in all of the macro and micronutrients that your body needs to be fully healthy? Probably not. Look into metabolic damage. Please realize that when your body is telling you it is HUNGRY and you choose to ignore it, you are not honoring your body. I have been seeing and hearing more women sayings things like, “I saved my calories for this meal” or “I skipped snack so I could eat this now” or “I didn’t work out today so I will have to eat less”. It’s worrying me and I just felt obligated to put this out there into the Universe, just in case someone needs it.

 

I ignored my body's natural cues for so long that I almost forgot how to listen. Over the past few months I have been intuitively eating so that I can remember what it means to be hungry, how it feels to be comfortably satiated and full, and how to listen and honor those triggers. I began to truly have a healthy relationship with food for the first time in my life. My research of a plant based and whole foods lifestyle is what finally, truly, opened my eyes to what I had been (literally) buying into, and how I could adopt a lifestyle, rather than a diet, that would not only make me my healthiest but also be something that I would be able to sustain for my entire life. Going vegan has healed me in more ways than one, and I would totally love to float you some literature or documentary suggestions if you are into reading more about it!

 

A more comprehensive list of symptoms that could be brought on from undereating:

Low energy

Insomnia

Mood swings

Brain fog or poor concentration

Depression or anxiety

Hair loss

Feeling cold

Loss of menstrual cycle

Infertility

Constipation

Low sex drive

Sugar (or other food) cravings

Undereating for an extended period of time has the potential to damage you physically and psychologically. Just be aware of the information that is out there, know you aren’t alone, know you can always evolve. Don’t be afraid of food. Don’t be scared to feel full. Listen to your body, it may need more or less food than someone else based on body type, height, activity level and just your own metabolism. You shouldn’t feel obligated to match your nutrition to someone else’s.

I go with love,

*if you have any questions about going vegan, tracking macros, foods for micronutrients, questions about your specific needs, etc. please feel free to reach out to me here, Instagram, or you can find my email address in the bio of my IG as well.